Monday, January 24, 2005

karen has a weakness for the strippers.

Lets just say that Friday evening ended up with me drunk-dialing my mother because no one else was answering their phone at 2:30 in the morning the bastards. I do believe it also hurt that my mother's name begins with a G, and so was pretty much in the middle of my phone book. I tried my regulars first and no one answered the phone. The next day I called my sister and she was all, I'm sick and you woke me up with your phone call and I was too sick to pick up the phone. Then she was all, "why would you ever drunk-dial Mama?"

Yeah, no answer for that one.

Disclaimer: for my friends who read this blog, and despite the fact names are changed to protect the identies, please do not mention this posting to other joint friends who may indeed tell the girlfriend of included person, or even approach cohort for he may become pissed. Essentially read it, enjoy it, and let it die or talk to me about it.

Friday night started out innocently enough. Crazy Boy's co-workers band was going to be playing at the local dive bar. It was the first time they were playing in quite some time and they were releasing their new CD. I wasn't even positive I wanted to attend. I was still watching I Love the 90s and Best Week Ever whilst getting ready to go out, and obviously pre-drinking. I mean there is already a cover to get in the dive and no one then wants to pay for expensive drinks, right? Budget living people. Budget. Living.

Well, I finally finished my pre-drinking and was rocking a pretty positive buzz and found the local dive fucking packed. I have never seen it so packed before, you couldn't move much less get anywhere. I finally found CB with a few other cohorts I wasn't expecting, including Tripod, Hunter and his Underage Girlfriend. Unbenknownst to me, because I'd already been drinking and working the buzz like rent was due that night, Tripod was schmammered and as soon as I saw them, they were all like, "Dude, let's get out of here!" I was a little confused seeing as I just paid fucking 7 dollars for the cover and I had just gotten there, plus the fact that I had only brought my ID and 7 dollars, and well they wanted to go to one of the neighbourhood strip clubs and I didn't think I had money for the cover charge, or you know a drink. Crazy Boy, who was in a good mood and was excited to see my face was okay was all, here's $5 for the cover and let's go!

We pushed past the sweaty throngs, and seriously, I was there long enough to order a glass of water at the bar where we were standing and drink half of it. What a waste of $7. So we hussle across the street to Good Guys, which like seriously, being from the West, is supposed to be an electronics store. When I first moved into the neighbourhood I was totally confused why it wasn't the same type of building and there were no windows. Then I was confused that it would be a restaurant with no windows. It took me like a year to figure it out. By someone telling me.

This wasn't my first foray into the stripping arts. The first time had been about a year ago, and I was actually really suprised that they get totally naked. Butt naked. But no lap dances thank goodness. I think that would be too much for me. It's a damn good law people. Though...perhaps not so good for the strippers. And discovering that going with non-skeezy guys isn't that bad. The wait staff in terms of men are really, really nice to you. Though my friend/aquaintance was all you need to go up and tip, and I finally gained the liquid courage, because is there really any other kind, and made her go up to me. The stripper danced for my friend first and my friend was all put it in, and the stripper was like you don't want me to dance for you, and I just hoofed it out of there. I did realize though, and this is totally random. Strippers smell really, really, really good. I have this extreme sense of smell for some reason, am obsessed with perfume, and cologne on men, and I was so tempted to be like, what the hell are you slathering on yourself? Overall left though with a fun experience.

Luckily no cover. Though the bouncer gave us serious eyes in comparing the IDs which may have been because Underage was, you know, Underage. She must have just turned 21 if even that. Junior in college people. So we're directed to a table, and after my strip bar experience CB and I were all we should go together sometime and we were both all, Woooh! we finally made it. Woohing like we made a request for a song on TRL. CB's girlfriend? Wouldn't be so excited. The place was your normal, classy, neighbourhood strip club. The wait staff provided free popcorn. Which you know, makes you drink more for the mandatory drinks you need to buy.

Underage had a friend who was working and who came over to chit-chat with us, talking partly about her stripping experience. She was wearing this pleather, or rubber/leather outfit with this fuck me boots on that were well, porn stripper boots. CB kept pinching them because they were taller than Julia Roberts' boots in "Pretty Woman" and at some point I did too. I don't know. I can't explain people. She was very charming though, and very willing to answer questions. FYI, the reason they are able to dance and whatnot in those fucking high ass porn heels is because the main part is high too, so supposedly? Not so hard. I would fall. Let's be honest. I would also be 7 feet tall, so yeah, not so much.

Also? I asked about what strippers thought of girls going up, like if they cared or not, and she took it to mean in a sexual way, which I of course really can't fault her for, and she was all, no most girls are bisexual and she was like there is this one girl who all the guy love and think she's really hot and sexual, and totally a lesbian. I was like, okay. Wasn't totally answering my question, but probably was what I drunkenly asked. And? She said she makes $250 a night in tips during the week.

So the night wears on, Tripod leaves after 10 minutes, but not without sharing his dollar bills yo,' because he's so drunk, then Hunter and Underage leave too. So it's just CB and me, which, you know, is usually how it is. So then the friend is stripping at the station in front of us, and CB is all you gotta tip her, and I was like noooo, and he was all fucking do it karen, and so I do. She's all laughing and like, did your friends' put you up to this? I was just like, uhh, no?? And so does do her little dance thing and I again flinch and close my eyes when she gyrates in, despite the fact that I'm riding this buzz straight to schmammeredville. Am reminded at that point again how good strippers smell. Seriously. Does anyone know? And CB and I continue to drink with his money, which was awesome.

Finally at like 2:15 CB and I decide to leave. I think mostly out of monetary reasons. And so we're leaving and on the end stage there is this one stripper dancing who we had seen previously on our stage, and not to be mean but the strippers were decent looking but nothing to be like damn she's fucking hot except for this one stripper who was the hottest. Anyway, so she's stripping on the end stage and CB is all, let's watch her again! I was game. CB goes up to tip her, and this is the priceless moment, and she waves her finger no and points her finger at me and crucks her finger in the come here look. CB gets this wicked enthusiastic little boy on Christmas look on his face and yells, "She wants you Karen! Come over!" Which you know, I have to. So I go over and am going to just give her the dollar and walk away and she's all, "Stay right there!" and proceeds to do this dance and whip off her shirt and throw it around my neck and play with it, and in my dazed/embarassed state was just like, woah. It was pretty funny. So CB and I sit down for a second and are asked what we want to drink, we say nothing we just want to see her for a sec, and they leave us alone. We drunkenly decide to tip her again and she's finishing and is all, "I'll come over!" and of course CB was all about that, and so we sit down and are told by the bouncer to order something, so instead? We bounce. CB was laughing outside, well we both drunkenly were, and was all, that's the hottest thing I've seen all night.

So we're both excited and bouncing around, talking like we've been drinking Red Bulls all night. CB departs to Tripod's for the night and I flounce home. This is where the drunken-dialing comes in. I don't know. Though my mom thought it was very entertaining and laughed about my stories at the strip club.

Thank god for that.

She then was all, you're slurring, go inside and go to sleep. Saturday was a little painful, but overall worth it. Seriously though, who fucking drunk dials their mother? Next time I just need to decide not to talk to someone if no one is picking up. The damn 3 hour time difference for my mother killed me.

Good times. Gay men and strippers love karen. My social life rocks.

Hot Neighbour Watch 2005: I've seen his face now. And I think, and that really is a very strong think, he has a hot face too. His blinds were open yesterday and a little Saturday, and so I think he might be a student of some sort.

Naked Neighbour Watch 2005: CB and his girlfriend were over yesterday and had the primo seat to say that they saw him naked. Fuckers took my place on the couch. I could have seen his awesome chest again.

1 comment:

La Chat Noir said...

Hey, you can't go wrong with gay guys and strippers!

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