Monday, January 03, 2005

Incestuous Innuendos!

First. I was on the phone with my sister having already arrived in Germany and awaiting her arrival. I casually mentioned the blog and she didn't react. I then directly inquired about what she thought. Her response? "Yeah. I was just going to move past and ignore that. Why would you have a diary on the internet? Why would anyone give a shit about what you write?" I tried to point out I wasn't really being narcissitic but it was a way for me to keep in touch with my friends and whatever.

Second. My sister then said I shouldn't ever write anything. At all. About. Her. It would embarass her. What if one of her friends randomly found my blog and connected it to her. She didn't want to be embarassed. I know. I pointed out that she was the one being narcissitic thinking I was going to write about her. Final word? Nothing. Ever. About. Her.

Third. Insomnia plus boredom plus jet-lag meant that she then went online to see my blog and that it wasn't necessarily what she had presumed. Her newest catchphrase, and my dear sister I love it, "Are you going to put his on your blog?" She in fact titled this very entry.

My brother is weird. He's 10, and my sister keeps saying that it's because boys are more immature. I don't know if that is indeed the entire reason, but it could be the majority. I mean he's had these cloth blankets since he was born and called them Lappis. He has like five of them. He constantly sucks on them. I mean like seriously sucks on them to point where they are wet all around. And usually they smell before my step-mother changes them. We love him, but we've had these interesting interactions. I digress.

Let's just say two years ago my sister was in our awesome bathtub which I had thought about posting previously after I took my bath a few days ago. It's massive and has jets that you can turn on and shit. My parents bathroom is probably the best room in the house. It's also like the size of my studio, and replace the crappy parkay with heated marble. So my step-mother was in there and my sister noticed my brother slyly looking at her and she realized that her bubbles were disappearing rapidly and suddenly felt very naked. He then mentions, of course his attempt at subtlety, "I can get in there with you [karen's sister]." Back then? Cute. Now? Worrisome. And scary.

This holiday season has for some reason provided my sister with a set look of horror to what we have had to endure.

My sister's face first appeared when I was sitting slash lying on the couch massaging my sister's shoulders sitting on the floor in front of me. My brother was sitting on the other end of the couch and my sister wanted gummis. Clearly, because this season has been brought to you by crack. Even my cereal is crack. It's seriously fucking amazing. We both didn't want to move and were trying to force my brother to do the dirty work and get them. For no reason whatsoever my brother fritzed out and was popping his pelvis in my sister's face waving it about like he was trying out for a touret's version of Grease! and mumbling who the fuck knows. He then ran off and my sister slowly turned her head to me with a look of horror and a quiver in her voice while saying, "That was the most traumatizing incidence of a pelvis being shoved in my face! His pelvis is this big!" Essentially cupping her hands together. We both burst out in fits of nervous laughter. Please keep your thoughts other pelvis experiences to yourself.

My face appeared when at a later incident I was sitting on the couch and my brother was behind me standing and leaning on the back of the couch and I was turned around talking to my sister, most likely about what candy to bring into the room. I know. It's a routine people. For no reason my brother suddenly goes into high gear and pretends to unzip his pants in my face no more than 10 inches away and is jiggling it and pretending to pee on me. I have no idea of the horror I might have expressed and my sister and I tried very, very hard not to laugh and encourage the fucking weird behavior. Luckily she had a door to hide behind.

He has also been prone to fake whip out his penis or just lift his pajama pants or long underwear really high and stare at his penis. My sister swore that tonight while we were playing Uno that he was going to whip it out. She then berated him, and attempted to get my father to say something. Seeing was we think someone should be talking to him about the birds and the bees. My father's response? "You can be arressted if you do that in public you know." Yeah. Really discouraging.

Then while I was carrying him on my hip or I was giving him a hug he leaned back and tried to open mouth kiss me. I dodged and weaved and put him down as quickly as I could. My sister reports that he's been humping her. We have horn dog for a brother.

The funniest incident was just yesterday. My sister bought "Agent Cody Banks" for my brother for Christmas as I'm sure it was cheap at K-Mart and he finally watched it. I hate Hilary Duff. Like White Hot Burning Flames Hate. Though that's actually gotten better so I thought I would hate the movie. Minimal Hilary Duff, and I hate to say it, has a few cute lines. At the end there is of course the long awaited kiss between The Duff and the annoying Frankie Muniz, which was awful. SO Fake! So my sister and I are all, "That was awful!" My sister is then all, "They didn't even kiss on the mouth! I could've given [brother] a better kiss. I'll show you!" And of course I'm like, "NO. No. That's fine. I saw it. They missed lips. I don't think we should do that with[brother]." He would clearly take it the wrong way. So then he's all jazzed and says, "Yes. First I will kiss you, and then I will kiss Karen and then you two will kiss and we'll then all be able to see what it looks like!" My sister and I share twin expressions of horror and quickly wet blanket that idea faster than a drunk co-ed can drop her skirt.

And not only that, but courtesy of my sister come the Incestuous Innuendos!

1. Picture It. We're watching this awfully cheesy video by the winner of the first winner of the German version of Pop Idol/American Idol. We love him. Hate the new video. It just doesn't compliment his mediocre skills or looks. There is this girl in the video who is his love interest. At the VERY end he shares an awful, awful kiss with her that is very chaste. This from a country that takes the pixels out of bare-chested women in videos. And removes the edits of Eamon's "Fuck You" song that my brother can sing along to. My sister's first response? "I've given [brother] worse kisses!" We both realize how bad that sounds and burst into laughter. I feel like I now detect a trend.

2. My sister begging me to massage her lower back a mere short hour ago. My father had been in previously and given her a quick 30 second massage. She's begging and I'm begging off as I'm contently reading. She says, "What if I crawl into bed with you and you find all the spots Papa did!"

3. My sister again. "You mean when you did [brother]?" This when I was asking her about weird incidents with my brother.

There are more but it's late, and there are too many for this post. I'll update.

The shops open again tomorrow. Hallelujah!!


Anonymous said...

ARGH!!! Must blind my mind's eye!!
I also hate Hillary Duff.
And I really really really really really really missed you this weekend in VT!!! Did you get our messages? I had a hard time holding the phone for Charlie.
Way to blog girl, youz so funny! have you already written more than me?!! :-)


Caren said...

Your brother is either going through that weird 10 year old sexual realization thing, or he needs major help.

Anyways, I got a 2 subscriptions for the price of 1 offer from Entertainment Weekly & wanted to know if you'd be interested...

Caren said...