mission: failed!

Wow.

Not that anyone should really be shocked, but I guess it didn’t take too long for “MISSION: FAILED!” I kind of expect a huge red stamp of that vibrantly splashed across the page.

Does it even matter that I had the best of intentions? No. Seriously. But then I had to rush out of town on Tuesday to go up for a quick second round interview in New York and rush back and then suddenly exhausted, and wait? Are you still listening? Do you even care?

Initially I was going to do two posts for two days. To, you know, make up those ‘lost’ posts and continue and I would still count it as accomplishing the impossible. I think the blog speaks for itself in suggesting how well that went. The blog: “Shut your face bitch. We’re on a break!”

For Killer though, and I think myself, I’m going to persevere and see how often I can post until I leave. I might start an incestuous relationship once I move to New York though. No work? No cable? What does that leave? Procrastination from job searching – and so that means more blog stories.

You might still be caught on that ‘
no cable’ part of the last paragraph though. I know. No cable. Or even local TV channels actually. No, no. Put the phone down. There’s no need to be calling a medical alert on my ass for suicide watch. I think it’s going to be okay. Or it won’t. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Plus Killer just introduced me to a site where they post episodes of video shows where you can watch them online. Clearly it isn’t the same thing, but it will have to do. Karen without TV. Can you even imagine the travesty? I can’t.

In terms of describing the depths of my obsession with my TV and fauxvo, I was shut off last week, or I should say on the 26^th of September, because I hadn’t paid my antenna person (because satellite/cable is a money hungry motherfucker of an industry, I have to pay some company $5 a month to get access to the dish on the roof. It’s fucking ludicrous.). Granted, my bad about being about a month late in paying, but I kept on meaning to call them and say it would only be a few months instead of the 6 you pay at a time. So the fuckers shut me off. When I called to be re-hooked up, they explained it would cost $60 to re-connect me. I thought this ludicrous so said, ‘no thank you’ and said it in a tone that really said: ‘go fuck yourself!’ Even though at this point I’m practically hyperventilating because I won’t have cable for a month, I call DirecTV to cancel my service. The woman politely informs me that since I have a fauxvo I signed up for a two year agreement that hasn’t run up yet (What. The. Fuck? I don’t remember that when I said I would sign up for the FauxVo. That wasn’t explained to me fuckers), so I would have to pay a cancellation fee and mail my FauxVo back. My FauxVo with hours of service. Sigh. I think I should preface the following information with the fact that it had been a hard morning and I was already going through withdrawal of not having ANY tv. So…I crumbled to the fucking man and paid my re-connect fee for a month of television access.

I know.

No. I. Know.

I like to rationalize it with the fact that I’ve been staying in mostly and so essentially that’s only really like one night out.

I think I’m really just deluding myself. Pick up that phone on the 23^rd, or at least be ready to save my ass.

i quit!

Today was the day where the girl who cried quit (me) finally gave in her resignation letter.

It was...a little anti-climatic.

I've been hemming and hawing for weeks (since the middle of August) about when I would actually leave and when I would give my letter in. Due to the fact that it isn't due to a necessity (a rocking new job opportunity) I've been able to vacillate between dates. Plus? Do you give your job that you hate 2 weeks, or are you nice and give them a few weeks so they can find your replacement? Are they going to become even douchier once they know? Is that even fucking possible? All good questions I was asking myself.

I do have to say though that this Spring slash Summer I was totally inspired by those Sharpie commercials. You know the ones where the whole slogan is "Say it loud!" And one of the commercials showed a person starting their resignation letter and they ultimately take a Sharpie and violently scrawl "I QUIT!" on the pad. Brilliant. I wanted to date and kind of walk out the door giving the finger.

Unfortunately, paperwork being able to follow you where it may, and that unfortunately I need them for a reference...my true feelings couldn't be voiced.

I also have to admit I was a little nervous about handing it in; both for my boss' reaction and that it really, truly means that I'm leaving. A tidge scary. And? I've never quit before.

I went into my co-workers office and asked if she had ever handed in a resignation letter before and she said she hadn't. And the best part? She said she just stopped showing up for work! Ha! Albeit, she did follow-up that behavior with explaining that those were usually waitressing jobs. She did say mostly though...

But the letter was handed in, the Boss promised a reference, and I guess I'm really leaving. ..

Anti-climatic.

ipod roulette.

So, in order to complete the mission, I'm doing a bit of a free pass post.

It's iPod roulette time bitches!! Where, with no cheating we see how embarrassing or awesome my music library is.

So let's roll!

1) Playground Love (Vibrapone Version) - Air
And I'm off to a not at all embarrassing first song. I love Air. I refuse to call them 'French band Air' because they have a large enough repertoire and they make awesome enough music.

2) So Flute - St. Germain
Annnd it seems that my iPod is loving all of my French artists. And I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with? That this song was licensed for some stupid period medication of some sort. I only watch the commercial (that airs seemingly on loop on Lifetime) to hear the music.

3) Around the World Remix - Daft Punk vs. Snoop Dogg
French artists again! Seriously though, my love for Daft Punk knows no bounds. I still regret not going to their concert in high school because I had the SATs the next morning. Like seriously, it still pains me. Ironically this song was my first introduction to the group. Love, love, love it. So much so, I'll take any remix of it.

4) Falling - Jamiroquai
We're finally out of France! I used to love Jamiroquai in high school and there are still some songs I like and keep on my computer. This is one of them.

5) I'm Me, I'm Yours - Jim Noir
This song is either from "The OC" or "Grey's Anatomy," and it reminds me a little of folk music from the late 70s. It's a nice little ditty.

6) Besame Mucho (Senor Coconut's Chachacha Remix) - Cesaria Evora
This is due to my love of all lounge music, especially Latin. It's a nice remix.

7) Take me Tonight - Alexander
I guess you can't get away without being embarrassed. This is the first winner of Germany's version of "American Idol." And it is pure cheesy goodness that I love, but usually would not admit to totally loving.

8) Find My Baby - Moby
There was a period of time where Moby was licensed all over the place. You couldn't watch a movie, tv show, or commercial without hearing a Moby song. It got a little old. Now that he's somewhat off the Top 40 table, it's nice to be able to go back and appreciate his music again. He's still a solid artist.

9) BMFA - Martha Wainwright.
In case you're wondering, BMFA stands for Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole. I know, right? Fucking sweet. I really like Martha, more so than her more famous brother Rufus. And it totally pisses me off that she has to be featured in his music as opposed to headlining her own stuff. I highly recommend her work. She's got a great voice.

10) Senorita - Justin Timberlake.
Ugh. I should delete this song. I am so over Justin Timberlake's music and attitude. He's just such a douche who thinks he's God's gift to music, especially R&B. And that he's innovative, which? Your last album douche? That sound was playing in the clubs like three years beforehand, and wasn't featuring trite lyrics. Double ugh.

Love the iPod roulette. Everyone should play!

mission: impossible. daily posts until i move.

Shut the front door!!!!!!!!

I have ignored this blog for a really, really, really long time. Like, if we were friends, my blog would pass me by on the street, do a double take, and ask the person next to her, "Dude, was that Karen that just walked by?" And clearly, this person, the blog's best friend, would really have no idea because I've been gone so long, they didn't even know I existed. Which? Fair enough blog's best friend.

Of course I've been wanting to come back, but I've been busy and totally stressed out, and potentially a little uninspired. Killer though has been heckling me, making me promise to start again, and continue once I move. What's that? Oh yes. I've decided to completely sack-up and move to New York and temp and (fingers crossed) finally get a job that uses my skills more than the one I'm currently at. So I think starting this blogging thing up again might be in part a procrastination tool in regards to packing up my apartment. The move date is impending, and I do what I do: procrastinate better than anyone else possibly could.

So I was coming back to the blog with no real idea of what to comment, and shut the front door! FREDO VIOLA COMMENTED ON MY BLOG POST ABOUT HIS SONG. Seriously? The fucking coolest thing to happen to me in, well, I can't even think. Mind. Blown! I'm absolutely speechless about the fact that he commented on my blog and totally updated me on his music. You guys? My letters actually reached him. Totally my hero.

Yes. This is me totally geeking out. I have to say I was totally jealous, and a little awed when Killer finally commented on the book "Finn" that I bought her for her birthday on her blog and how bloody well it was written, yadda, yadda, recommend, yadda. (Like six months later! Way to get to your birthday present dude!) Well, I was reading the comments on the post (I think to bask in awesomeness of my present to her) and saw the author had commented. Thanking her for her interest and mentioning he found the post via a google alert. I was totally impressed and was all, "How cool is that that he read your post and commented?" She was pretty cool about the entire thing. I feel I can safely say that in cool points I totally fucking win. The Fredo Viola posted on my blog.

I'm still totally obsessed with "The Sad Song," and still have regularly checked his site for updates. Clearly I should have been reading my own blog and not been such a douche. So Fredo? In case google has sent you back over here? Thank you. You rock and I'm really looking forward to your music and future videos - especially since you're concerned with maintaining quality and heart in your work. Keep on keeping on.

Talk about totally making my day. I guess this means I have to get back to wrestling with my apartment. I mean how much stuff can a person own?

the sad song.

I am an absolute whore. And, no. Unfortunately I'm not talking sexually. Well, that's a different post. I digress. I will utterly become a song's bitch so easily. Resulting in me playing said song over and over again - notching up the play count on my iTunes to an obnoxious amount.

Usually though, after listening to the song on repeat for a few weeks, I'll be able to tear myself away. Often this is after discovering my absolute, consuming love of another song. Extolling the awesomeness of said song to really whoever will listen.

A few months ago I discovered "The Sad Song" by Fredo Viola on my iPod. It was played in an episode of "The OC" and I always download the songs featured in an OC episode for the most part. (What? The show went to crap - that doesn't mean the music did! I've again lost street cred, haven't I?) I would download the songs even if I hadn't watched the episode. If you kept up with the OC you know how difficult it was to place it really high on your TV watching schedule. So I listened to "The Sad Song" briefly and moved on. Fast forward a few weeks and I was watching a show I refuse to admit to watching and heard the song again, and had the immediate reaction of "I know that song. I love that song. What is that song?" So imagine my joy upon figuring out what song it was, and to boot that I did indeed already have it on my iPod. Sweet!

"The Sad Song" has pretty much all the components that I like in a song that I will play on repeat. It has an achingly emotional melody with, well, I have to admit I'm not sure if I could really say their are lyrics. But you can hear the pain in Fredo's voice - it truly is a hauntingly beautiful song. I fucking LOVE it. So of course I went on a googling adventure of finding more Fredo Viola songs. iTunes? Nothing. My indie blog check? Nothing. Google? Well, there's his myspace page but you can't download or buy his few other songs. Seriously. Nothing more annoying when you're at the height of your obsession and willing to spend money to feed the addiction, and you just can't.

Anyway, this weekend as I was watching TV (shocking!!!) I finally watched The OC episode where the song was featured. My immediate reaction was, "truly great song for the scene," and "oooh, I haven't heard that song in fucking weeks. I love that song!" In summation: obsession totally relit.

So, of course I try again to figure out if I can perhaps now buy more of his music on iTunes. I mean I was just sent an email from Apple. They're worried. I have store credits that are unused. Why haven't I used them? Do I know how to log into my account? Am I having problems? Would I like to talk to somebody about them? If so, here's a number. Really? Why aren't you this attentive to my computer and iPod problems?

Clearly though, no dice. What the fuck Fredo? I've got money and I'm willing to spend. Granted it's currently the only kind of money I have to spend. Maybe I should learn from Winona Ryder in "Reality Bites" and I should buy people songs and they can give me cash. Poverty is a huge bitch, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, it seems his website is currently under construction (You best be hard at work on providing for the consumers Fredo!), but the page does show the fucking awesome music video he made for the song.

It seems that Fredo originally went to school (NYU) to become a film director, so you know he's not being completely self-indulgent by making the video himself. I truly enjoyed the video and thought it fit the song pretty well. What I still can't wrap around my head though is that he made the video completely with his Nikon Coolpix camera. So by filming 15 second videos with his camera. As a non-professional eye, I say you would never even guess that it was taken with a digital camera in 15 second jpegs. Fucking sweet!

I highly recommend you check it out! Plus, you get to hear the song.

I do have one request though: Fredo, please make some of your music available for the consuming public. You know. Something I can put on my iPod so I don't have to just listen to it on Myspace. I'll even pay for it. I know!

Thanks a bunch!

karen

sunday.

As I was working off my Saturday night on my couch - potentially only two steps away from cro-magnon - I pretty much thought "Woof!" and "thank god nobody has to see me looking like this."

Let me say - some people can wake up looking rather presentable after rolling out of bed. For me this is an impossibility. My hair always looks like a mane. It's usually worse after a night out where I've used product to keep it in place for the hours that I'm out. Somehow that product is only effective whilst you're out having a good time. As soon as you lie down - all bets are off. As if it wants you to look like a cracked out whore. Seriously - I don't think anyone should have to look at this mug in the morning.

Actually CBF is the only person I regularly allow to see me in the morning. Clearly unavoidable when you're sleeping a few feet away from the person. It's pretty much a running joke about the hair and other lingering effects if it's been a long night out. You know, that pale pallor you might rocking, the bloodshot eyes, that darned eyeliner that takes 18 washes to fully get off.

Anyway, I always think, "Wow. That is true love if anyone isn't entirely repulsed the next morning."

I think it's no secret that I'm a little obsessed with Bloc Party - even if I'm a little sad how mainstream they've become. But Kele's voice will always do things to me - seriously he could sing about rubbish and I'd be okay with that.

Anyway, on their latest album - one that's a little mellower and little more emotional - he sings just about the perfect love song to me. Of course it doesn't hurt that it's set to great music. It's shockingly called "Sunday" and if he sang the chorus to me, I'd think he was the most perfect man ever, because I don't think I've ever heard anything more romantic. I really wish I knew an easy way to post songs...so here are the lyrics.

Sunday

Heavy night, it was a heavy night
Feels like we've just, come back from the dead
Heavy night, it was a heavy night
I cannot remember what I said to anyone
If we get up now, we can catch the afternoon
Watch the under15's playing football in the park
Let’s sit in St Leonard's on this alcoholic day
We're doing the best, with what we've got

I love you in the morning
When you're still hung over
I love you in the morning
When you're still strung out

I work hard all week and so do you
We deserve to let off some steam
Less orthodox creeping,
We need to rage through all of this life
There might be ones who are smarter than you
That have the right answers that wear better shoes
Forget about those melting ice caps
We're doing the best, with what we've got

I love you in the morning
When you're still hung over
I love you in the morning
When you're still strung out

When I'm with you, I am calm
A pearl in your oyster
Head on my chest a silent smile
A private kind of happiness
You see giant proclamations
Are all very well
But our love is louder than words

I love you in the morning

my condolences, mrs. vonnegut.

Last night, after a broad variety of television shows already under the belt, Killer and I were watching an episode of "Frasier" at about 3:30 in the morning. I know. As you can imagine, it took us quite some time to get through the bitching about our friends and annoying co-workers. It had been quite some time since we had so much serious time on the couch.

As those familiar will know, the show will place a quote or phrase on a black screen before each new scene. These words, sentences, or quotes will have something to do with the following scene, no matter how small. Kind of elite in the subtle humor, but I enjoy it. So clearly I was a little flummoxed when my aunt mentioned during an episode we were watching that she didn't understand what these interspersing black screens meant. I generally informed her that there would be a reference in the following scene. She didn't get it - and I didn't have the energy to fully explain. Though with the amount of "Frasier" she watches I would think she would have picked up on it by now ["Frasier" has become somewhat of a family obsession, for which I blame my aunt and her DVDs. The early seasons - the really funny seasons you forget because the finale season of suckitude has left a nasty residual taste on your palate and you can remember nothing else. The early seasons remind you what a smart, funny, well-acted show it is. Too bad you're a scary raging Republican Kelsey. Hats off to all the other players. So now I FauxVo all the episodes on Lifetime (Thanks Lifetime! Still eternally grateful for the Golden Girls repeats!) and my aunt was just telling me she converted my sister on her recent visit and all she wanted to do was watch the DVDs - even when it was just my dad and my sister. Converted! Back to regularly scheduled programming...] Granted: not a college graduate - but still very smart. She's officially gone into early retirement (thanks German policies! Don't let the door kick you on the way out when your economy self-implodes!) and is in the entirely new career of head-hunting and making a load of money doing it. So, smart, but I just don't think she's able to pick up on the subtlety.

In last night's episode I believe the card read: "My condolences, Mr. Vonnegut." Both Killer and I turned to each other and said pretty much simultaneously, "Awwwwwwww." Though what she said next scared me, "You know what? Of our friends, you, Actress and I are the only ones who would get that." My immediate eloquent response? "Wait. What?" Killer subsequently went through our list of friends mentioning who would get the Vonnegut reference.

That is pure travesty. I was saddened beyond belief on the day I read Mr. Kurt Vonnegut had passed away. I even had "R.I.P. Mr. Vonnegut" as my status message in Gmail. Hey, I never said it was eloquent, but I needed to acknowledge it in some manner. The man is a literary hero. One of my literary heroes. It completely flummoxes me that someone would a) not have already read at least one of his books, and b) not know who he is by even just his last name.

During one of my better summers during college, I pretty much spent the summer voraciously reading through Vonnegut's books. One after the other. I loved his humour, I loved his characters, and I really loved what he was actually talking about. I love his re-curring themes and thoughts. Much more easily picked up when you're consuming them one after the other. So, you know, Kevin Smith didn't invent that idea when he has the mention of Julie Dwyer dying in the YMCA swimming pool in all of his movies. I kind of love it though.

Kurt Vonnegut was an amazingly talented writer. Not only was he a good story-teller, and ridiculously funny, he was able to write. Not something is very good at. Yes, I'm looking at you Mr. Grisham. Put your fucking laptop down and please retire. You're a disservice to the publishing industry. Kurt Vonnegut was one of the few remaining literary heroes.

Killer and I discussed this as well. Studs Terkel, turning 95 on the 16th my man! Hangin in there!, is one of the few living literary legends. Well, I feel that way. I love him. I found out one of the MDs that works in my department knows him, and I geeked the fuck out on Friday. Completely gushing about how Studs was my hero, and it was sooooooooo cool that he knew Studs and had Studs write the new intro for the MDs recently reprinted book. And how now? I was only like 3 degrees from knowing Studs!!! Put that in a fangirl voice and I believe you'll understand why MD had a mixture of incredulity with what the fuck is this girl on and a dash of why the hell isn't she geeking out over me mixed on his face (MD is a tidge of an ego-maniac. Or at least thinks he's the shit, which he kind of is, but why the 'tude dude?).

Killer and i couldn't drum up any names. Yes. There are really good authors, but an author that you could call a hero that's still alive? Nope. Very, very sad. Hang in there Studs!

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, about the card. Niles bought his father a meat gift basket to placate his father's ire over his putting Eddie in a kennel as opposed to taking care of Eddie himself as promised. The gift basket contains five different meats, and so when Niles was dropping hints of what it was, Martin excitedly asks, "The slaughterhouse five?" and Niles responds with a, "Well they don't make a slaughterhouse three."

I refuse to explain the reference. You should all know. Mr. Vonnegut you will be missed, but at least you have left us your oeuvre to enjoy in readings and re-readings for years to come. Thank you for your work. My condolences to your wife and family.

ding dong the witch is dead!

Yesterday, if I had ever actually learned how to do cartwheels I would have been rolling down the aisles at work.

At about 4:25 yesterday the world at work became a somewhat brighter place to be. And no, it wasn't because I had the fluorescent above my cubicle replaced. I've actually been holding out on asking them to do that. I'm a little torn because it isn't very bright, and coupled with the dark walls of the cubicle and walls, but at the same time, I believe it's safe to say everyone agrees the fewer fluorescent bulbs the better. Well, maybe not surgery rooms and whatnot, but that's a necessity. Originally I had a lamp - still a very nice desk lamp - but it doesn't give off that much light. I keep on hoping it won't be my problem for much longer. Back to the lightness though: the fucking bitch who was formerly my friend has left the building that is my office for good. Even better? She's moving 3,000 miles away for her new job. I wish her much unhappiness in her future endeavors. Well, I kind of expect that is going to happen.

She's moving to the rainiest city in the world. She has perhaps one friend in the city (damnit!), and she's never lived further west than Michigan. She's not very good with the friendly. I believe she'll kill her own happiness, and I'm happy about that.

I've discovered in the past week or so that people just don't understand how ugly she made my life at work, nor do they fully understand the mind-numbing rage.

Let me summarize. Unfortunately, you spend more time at work with people than you do with anyone else in your life. This is a depressing fact I think most people often forget. So she was constantly there, for hours a day, in this cubicle hole where we work. I had to listen to her fucking shuffle with the shoes. On the phone, talking to people around me to try and make it more noticeable we weren't talking. As a bonus, she has a completely annoying voice.

I can go on and on about the petty shit she did to me, but I won't. I've got to try and really just purge that anger and pain from my life without becoming enraged on a perhaps daily basis. Especially since I was doing so well until she did the shittiest thing to me last week. MUST. RELEASE. ANGER.

The reason why things miraculously became better at work though is because I know she will no longer be there. As long as she was in the pit area, I would feel the tension. While she would constantly walk back and forth with her fucking noisy shoes, or that feeling that I knew she was potentially spying on me, looking at what non-work related documents were up on my screen, potentially spying [totally wouldn't put it past her - and I'm sure she said stuff to my supervisor], and just feeling that weight of our mutual animosity in the air.

That negativity is now gone. I believe it will be a brand new day. Because life on the job hunt is shitty enough as it is - there is no need for exacerbation.

Good riddance you negative whore! Can't wait for karma to kick you in the ass for your asinine behavior - not to mention your fondness for sleeping with married men. Take care!

Now it's time to celebrate! And thankfully I have my trusty partner in crime to help me tonight - thanks Killer!!!

What I have to look forward to?

Bitching with Killer; Alcohol; and probably most importantly - a viewing of "The Big Lebowski."

Heal me the Dude. Heal me now!

ipod roulette.

I know. No. I know. Gone so long, and I'm just playing a game I've already played? I know.

I figure it might get me back on my writing schedule - must practice if I'm going to try and supplement the measly income with freelancing.

Also? I kinda wish I had a blog I wouldn't be embarrassed when job listings ask for blog writing experience. Start a whole new blog perhaps? That'd be way too much effort - and probably really boring. Not that this blog is a gripping, laugh-a-minute read, but I digress.

Onwards to assured embarrassment. Everyone has their dirty little music collection they would never admit to, right?

1) Deborah Cox - Play Your Part [Gabriel & Dresden Modjolation Vocal Remix}
Um...great start to proving I'm a semi-retired clubber and fag hag? And the semi-retired in no way refers to the latter.

2) Red Hot Chili Peppers - My Friends
Solid. Not my favourite of the Chili Peppers - still a great song.

3) Adam Merrin - Still Alright
Not much to say. I just added the song to the collection - it's probably embarrassing that I totally downloaded it because it was on a TV show. But still - Indie!

4) Glenn Miller Orchestra - Moonlight Serenade
Fine. It was bound to happen sometime. It could be worse. Granted, I still have six songs to go - but this is rather embarrassing. Even CBF didn't quite know what to say when I told him I downloaded the song. Let me just say it was purely because the song is consistently played throughout the Golden Girls series - and at some point you just buy that it is a great song. Or at least I did. I know - more solid proof of me being a fag hag.

5) Stereophonics - Dakota
Solid band. Solid song. My favourite by them is "Maybe Tomorrow" though.

6) Justin Trantner - Fear of Frailty
Not sure where I picked him up. Most likely from my compulsive MP3 blog reading - but I enjoy the downtempo - though I haven't figured out if it's a guest female singer or Justin singing. I also have to admit my iPod loves this song - especially in the morning - and it's much too quiet for that time of day so I'm always skipping.

7) Busta Rhymes - Turn it Up/Fire it Up
Don't lie. You know you loved this song circa 1998 when it came out. Personally takes me straight back to freshman year in college. I refuse to think about how old that makes me. I have also decided that any song that samples the KIT theme is solid in my book. Mundian Te Bach Ke's "Beware of the Boys" is also a solid in my book. I used to dream that I owned KIT, or would get a KIT. I can't describe how obsessed I was with the car.

8) Jennifer Lopez - Jenny from the Block
Um. I believe the less said, the better.

9) Neko Case - Hold On, Hold On
Good band. Pretty much saves me from being a complete and fucking loser - and gives me somewhat of a leg to stand on by being a bit of a self-professed 'music snob.'

Alright, fingers crossed...
10) Junior Boys - First time
Love. Love. Love the Junior Boys. I was really upset when they recently swung into town but I couldn't see them because my grandmother was here. And it was even at a location that would have been affordable. Oh well. They're totally friggen awesome though.

That was surprisingly painless considering I know I have much, much more horrid gems on my computer.

doubting my mental sanity.

I hold myself in generally high regard when it comes to actual violence.

Not a huge fan of actual violence. I love a good action movie, love a good mob movie. I loved, loved, loved "The Departed." Though I am not sure if that's because I was stuck on a plane crossing the ocean, I really wanted to see it beforehand, and they didn't edit it for the plane. You know how you can see Zach Braff saying the word 'ass' but the voice over says bump or rump or whatever? Oh, and on that note? Zach Braff, you lost all goodwill to me that you earned with "Scrubs" and the first third of your pretentious, self-indulgent movie for the awful wreck that was "Last Kiss." As did you Paul Haggis. "Crash" was over-rated and pretty broad with the brush strokes, and you've done nothing of real quality since. I was hoping for better with the Black Donnellys. I was willing to go one more for you, and, well, you're dead to me.

Granted my sister and I were rather rough and tumble with me usually kicking her ass, but that was years ago.

CCH who will from henceforth just be referred to fucking immature life-ruining bitch, or just filb, had me doubting my mental sanity because leading up to my peak annoyance and anger at her, I wanted bad things to happen to her. I wanted to trip her. I wanted her awful match.com boyfriend to get her pregnant. Or obviously state he was just using her for sex. Which he totally is fyi. I wanted her to suffer severe severe amounts of pain. These thoughts made me doubt my mental sanity.

Granted with the thus far unsuccessful job search coupled with awful awful work atmosphere, poverty and frustration over other personal situations it wasn't exactly the fucking rope that carried the Giant, Inogo Montoya, the Princess and funny little dude up the cliffs of insanity in Princess Bride. But still.

Brief background. filb was previously a friend. As I do, I would listen to filb's constant stupid problems as if they were all the end of the world. "Yes filb, I'm sorry that you're still unhappy with your 20% increase in pay at your annual review compared to my 2. Yes, you're going to make life-altering decisions. No, you're not slutty or desperate for looking up your married ex-boyfriend, who was married at the time even, to call him up and try and arrange a weekend of sex. Yes, I know. Totally shocking that he didn't meet you in Florida!!! What a scum! Never would have seen that coming! I know, that'll be awesome when you get the job and move to Oregon. That will solve ALL your problems. Wait, you're still here 3 months later because you can't commit to that kind of situation? Wow, I won't judge you at all for starting an affair at all with a married man. I mean we all have needs, right? Yes you're pretty. Yes, you're awesome! Yes, BBM doesn't pay you enough [nice raise though!], he's just generally cheap. I know. You're the greatest thing since sliced bread!" I mean that might generally be summarized version of our conversations. Or I should say how I respond to her talking, because she didn't ever really ask what was going on with me.

Anywho. So back in September our office building switched DataWatch card systems, and in order to get a new one we had to hand in our old one. Seems simple enough, right? Well she didn't have hers on the day the CFO was coming around and kept on 'forgetting.' Fast-forward to the beginning of February on a Friday afternoon. filb asks to borrow my card again, and it's kind of getting annoying as she's borrowing it every few days at this point and then sometimes forgetting to give it back to me. She's getting a ride home with my direct supervisor, who has turned into a serious dickhead, so I'm going to call him tiny dick. So i asked if she could ask tiny dick to borrow his and she's all, alright.

I listen to music going home and so never hear my cell phone. As soon as I get home, filb calls all flustered and annoyed saying little dick didn't give her his card because he too said he might be going in over the weekend, and she's sure both of us aren't going to go in and she's screwed because she needs to do work. Never offering that she's desperate enough to actually come pick it up, and she's got so much attitude I'm like, alright, see ya, whatevs. I see afterwards I had missed a call. Just to be fair to her side. I figure she'll be annoyed.

Come Monday, I realize she's ignoring me. Not talking to me at all. Even though we work together and our cubes are together. I thought she might do this as she's said it's one of her non-confrontational tactics. Because she's fucking five.

I was a little annoyed by this. It was when I found out she was bitching to another co-worker about me. And that I was really loud and constantly talking on the phone. I'm not. When I had my office I conducted more personal phone calls, but I keep them to a bare minimum now. So this makes me livid. Even more so when I realize she's been bitching about me to EVERYONE including little dick and the CFO because she constantly needs attention and reinforcement. This THIS is what makes me angry. Especially since little dick's attitude changes towards me in an aggressive manner. And it makes me look like a dick and doing things I'm not, and is unprofessional on so many levels that I can't even explain. That coupled with when I realized how stupid it was when we would walk down the hall and she wouldn't acknowledge me, but put her head down. Like, wow.

Maybe if you know, I had been spreading rumours about her. Kicked her puppy. Cut her. Something really awful. I just didn't lend her my card. And she was in turn putting my job in peril, and essentially making things extraordinarily more uncomfortable at work. Like when the dude who I used to have a crush on comes to talk to me about American Idol, I know, I ashamed of me, he'll always look over the cubicle thingy to see if she's there so we aren't being too loud. Another chick we work with, doesn't stop by to say hi anymore. What a fucking cow filb is. Can't stand her.

So yeah. At the end of last week and over the weekend things were awful. Because I do work in the hell of a cube, I constantly see her walk by, and I would think thoughts of tripping her, kicking her. you know, things that made me want to kill her. I think it kind of peaked on Sunday and I still dislike her, and I am never, ever, going to forgive her. But I am not physically shaking in anger and hatred. It feels good.

I still think, die filb, die. But no more fantasies. Phew.

I am angry that she made me doubt my mental sanity though.

Bitch.

ann coulter needs to die a slow death.

Granted I've been seemingly releasing violent tendencies lately - not a good sign - and Ann Coulter always always always will say something completely ignorant and hateful, but it absolutely ridiculous that she gets away with it.

I was going to write about how much more I respect Arcade Fire for rebuffing Paul Haggis, but that will be a later time, because I am absolutely flummoxed at the spiteful words Ann Coulter passes as worthy of being listened to.

Why? Why? WHY!?? The woman breeds hate, and I think the only reason she is able to get away with it is that she's a somewhat attractive individual. Though she truly does seem to have an adam's apple. In the same way that I work with an older gay man, who is sweet but a tidge bonkers, who will say completely inappropriate shit for the workplace, but thinks he can get away with it because he's gay. Which is not okay. I think people see and listen to Ann and are all, "Oh it's just that pretty, slightly crazy lady. She's young and harmless." To which I say, don't fucking kid yourself.

I have no fucking words about her behavior today, or perhaps I should say officially yesterday.

Read about it here...(on a lighter side note, I love reading this site and visit on a regular basis - plus the blogger is super cute).

I truly wouldn't be surprised if she's the devil in a human form.

wow. blogger is too hip for me now.

I feel like one of those stereotypical grannies, or you know, grandpas I guess, that everyone said were all, "I don't know what to do with this contraption. What do you do with it son? What in the world is this thing called internet? You what? Free porn?" There are so many functions available now with blogger that I don't even know what to do with myself. Label this post? Uh, Mr. Blogger, I think that would assume there is a rhyme or reason to this post. I mean. Hello. I don't fucking think so. Sweet jesus I've turned into a cranky 80-year old somehow.

Granted this could have to do with life circumstances.

One of my cube mates innocently asked me today if post-graduate life was all it was made out to be. "Uh, I don't think so." Unless you mean abyss of despair and frustration. No, it's not greener, happier, stress free pastures that you think it's going to be. Unless of course I had made the time to line up a job for right after graduation.

Ahhh, those days of being really excited about embarking on the job hunt where everything was possible, and yes siree it was going to be exciting looking for these job opportunities that I would finally, finally love.

Instead I now find myself in the pit of despair and dating my faux-vo and iPod. More so the faux-vo, though I in no way want to contemplate losing my iPod. I don't think I have the emotional capacity now right now to lose the pod.

What it wouldn't be nice to be that naive and energetic again. Granted that was only two months ago, but still. The sweet days of applying to jobs that I thought sounded interesting. I was going to the damn the man and NOT apply for jobs I thought would be selling out.

Yeah. Those days are gone.

What is most frustrating is that I think I have applied for every job out there, and it seems that my resume and cover letter is just going out there and...nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Even those soul-sucking jobs. It is as if my current employers have black balled me and I don't even know about.

I was excited today because I receive a response to a job I applied for - one I'm not even interested in, and that has only a little to do with communications - and the email response was essentially all, "We're in the early stages, and it's a group decision, and you'd actually be perfect for our communications team, but we don't have any open positions. Keep checking!" I was comforted by this platitude, because some lackey said they thought I'd be perfect for their communications team! This search is so soul-sucking, because I now think I'm only qualified for entry-level positions. Despite the fact that I would think almost 5 years of work, coupled with a Master's would be mid-level. Who. The. Fuck. Knows.

What is so terribly embarrassing is the more I escape to my TV from dealing with my sucky sucky SUCKY job, is that I watch even crappier, mindless television shows. Granted that shit is like rock candy normally - often totally fun and easy to enjoy, but you don't really gain anything from it in any way whatsoever. It's there, and a short period later it's not and there is no discernible difference. Unfortunately, these shows are now my staple diet. So that means I have sold my soul to shows like fucking "American Idol" and other shows I'm too embarassed to mentioncsimiamistillstandingtheclassgoldengirlsrebafrasierltheviewivingsingleI mean I really have no soul left. So the shows that I'm obsessed with and are totally worth my attention are just sitting in my tivo. I love love love "Friday Night Lights." The quality is up to par of a movie every week, but you need to pay attention. You need to become emotionally involved and that's just not happening after work right now. I'm terribly sorry. I know I'll make it back to you FNL!!! You deserve it! Another show I'm obsessed with, but is a little soapier and so I'm able to watch it in bursts is "Brothers & Sisters." I'm almost a little embarrassed to say it, especially since Calista Flockhart grates like no other; but as each episode ends I wish it wouldn't.

As I'm on the TV path, I guess it's time to announce something truly shocking. Brace yourself.

In order to cut down on the cable bill I canceled my Showtime subscription. This means I haven't watched any of the episodes of the L word this season, nor do I have any fucking idea of what is going on. I know.

I know!!

It's like it isn't even me. Though it is a little sad as I have heard that it is finally funnier again and there is less annoying Jenny Schechter and other annoying characters. Granted I'll believe that when I see it, but I can't, so I guess I never will. Too bad.

It is a whole new Karen. Albeit I'm not sure if it's necessarily an improved Karen. Just a different one. Hopefully not one that is phoning it in to life. I believe the verdict is still out.

We'll just have to wait...