Wednesday, March 07, 2007

doubting my mental sanity.

I hold myself in generally high regard when it comes to actual violence.

Not a huge fan of actual violence. I love a good action movie, love a good mob movie. I loved, loved, loved "The Departed." Though I am not sure if that's because I was stuck on a plane crossing the ocean, I really wanted to see it beforehand, and they didn't edit it for the plane. You know how you can see Zach Braff saying the word 'ass' but the voice over says bump or rump or whatever? Oh, and on that note? Zach Braff, you lost all goodwill to me that you earned with "Scrubs" and the first third of your pretentious, self-indulgent movie for the awful wreck that was "Last Kiss." As did you Paul Haggis. "Crash" was over-rated and pretty broad with the brush strokes, and you've done nothing of real quality since. I was hoping for better with the Black Donnellys. I was willing to go one more for you, and, well, you're dead to me.

Granted my sister and I were rather rough and tumble with me usually kicking her ass, but that was years ago.

CCH who will from henceforth just be referred to fucking immature life-ruining bitch, or just filb, had me doubting my mental sanity because leading up to my peak annoyance and anger at her, I wanted bad things to happen to her. I wanted to trip her. I wanted her awful boyfriend to get her pregnant. Or obviously state he was just using her for sex. Which he totally is fyi. I wanted her to suffer severe severe amounts of pain. These thoughts made me doubt my mental sanity.

Granted with the thus far unsuccessful job search coupled with awful awful work atmosphere, poverty and frustration over other personal situations it wasn't exactly the fucking rope that carried the Giant, Inogo Montoya, the Princess and funny little dude up the cliffs of insanity in Princess Bride. But still.

Brief background. filb was previously a friend. As I do, I would listen to filb's constant stupid problems as if they were all the end of the world. "Yes filb, I'm sorry that you're still unhappy with your 20% increase in pay at your annual review compared to my 2. Yes, you're going to make life-altering decisions. No, you're not slutty or desperate for looking up your married ex-boyfriend, who was married at the time even, to call him up and try and arrange a weekend of sex. Yes, I know. Totally shocking that he didn't meet you in Florida!!! What a scum! Never would have seen that coming! I know, that'll be awesome when you get the job and move to Oregon. That will solve ALL your problems. Wait, you're still here 3 months later because you can't commit to that kind of situation? Wow, I won't judge you at all for starting an affair at all with a married man. I mean we all have needs, right? Yes you're pretty. Yes, you're awesome! Yes, BBM doesn't pay you enough [nice raise though!], he's just generally cheap. I know. You're the greatest thing since sliced bread!" I mean that might generally be summarized version of our conversations. Or I should say how I respond to her talking, because she didn't ever really ask what was going on with me.

Anywho. So back in September our office building switched DataWatch card systems, and in order to get a new one we had to hand in our old one. Seems simple enough, right? Well she didn't have hers on the day the CFO was coming around and kept on 'forgetting.' Fast-forward to the beginning of February on a Friday afternoon. filb asks to borrow my card again, and it's kind of getting annoying as she's borrowing it every few days at this point and then sometimes forgetting to give it back to me. She's getting a ride home with my direct supervisor, who has turned into a serious dickhead, so I'm going to call him tiny dick. So i asked if she could ask tiny dick to borrow his and she's all, alright.

I listen to music going home and so never hear my cell phone. As soon as I get home, filb calls all flustered and annoyed saying little dick didn't give her his card because he too said he might be going in over the weekend, and she's sure both of us aren't going to go in and she's screwed because she needs to do work. Never offering that she's desperate enough to actually come pick it up, and she's got so much attitude I'm like, alright, see ya, whatevs. I see afterwards I had missed a call. Just to be fair to her side. I figure she'll be annoyed.

Come Monday, I realize she's ignoring me. Not talking to me at all. Even though we work together and our cubes are together. I thought she might do this as she's said it's one of her non-confrontational tactics. Because she's fucking five.

I was a little annoyed by this. It was when I found out she was bitching to another co-worker about me. And that I was really loud and constantly talking on the phone. I'm not. When I had my office I conducted more personal phone calls, but I keep them to a bare minimum now. So this makes me livid. Even more so when I realize she's been bitching about me to EVERYONE including little dick and the CFO because she constantly needs attention and reinforcement. This THIS is what makes me angry. Especially since little dick's attitude changes towards me in an aggressive manner. And it makes me look like a dick and doing things I'm not, and is unprofessional on so many levels that I can't even explain. That coupled with when I realized how stupid it was when we would walk down the hall and she wouldn't acknowledge me, but put her head down. Like, wow.

Maybe if you know, I had been spreading rumours about her. Kicked her puppy. Cut her. Something really awful. I just didn't lend her my card. And she was in turn putting my job in peril, and essentially making things extraordinarily more uncomfortable at work. Like when the dude who I used to have a crush on comes to talk to me about American Idol, I know, I ashamed of me, he'll always look over the cubicle thingy to see if she's there so we aren't being too loud. Another chick we work with, doesn't stop by to say hi anymore. What a fucking cow filb is. Can't stand her.

So yeah. At the end of last week and over the weekend things were awful. Because I do work in the hell of a cube, I constantly see her walk by, and I would think thoughts of tripping her, kicking her. you know, things that made me want to kill her. I think it kind of peaked on Sunday and I still dislike her, and I am never, ever, going to forgive her. But I am not physically shaking in anger and hatred. It feels good.

I still think, die filb, die. But no more fantasies. Phew.

I am angry that she made me doubt my mental sanity though.


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