doubting my mental sanity.

I hold myself in generally high regard when it comes to actual violence.

Not a huge fan of actual violence. I love a good action movie, love a good mob movie. I loved, loved, loved "The Departed." Though I am not sure if that's because I was stuck on a plane crossing the ocean, I really wanted to see it beforehand, and they didn't edit it for the plane. You know how you can see Zach Braff saying the word 'ass' but the voice over says bump or rump or whatever? Oh, and on that note? Zach Braff, you lost all goodwill to me that you earned with "Scrubs" and the first third of your pretentious, self-indulgent movie for the awful wreck that was "Last Kiss." As did you Paul Haggis. "Crash" was over-rated and pretty broad with the brush strokes, and you've done nothing of real quality since. I was hoping for better with the Black Donnellys. I was willing to go one more for you, and, well, you're dead to me.

Granted my sister and I were rather rough and tumble with me usually kicking her ass, but that was years ago.

CCH who will from henceforth just be referred to fucking immature life-ruining bitch, or just filb, had me doubting my mental sanity because leading up to my peak annoyance and anger at her, I wanted bad things to happen to her. I wanted to trip her. I wanted her awful match.com boyfriend to get her pregnant. Or obviously state he was just using her for sex. Which he totally is fyi. I wanted her to suffer severe severe amounts of pain. These thoughts made me doubt my mental sanity.

Granted with the thus far unsuccessful job search coupled with awful awful work atmosphere, poverty and frustration over other personal situations it wasn't exactly the fucking rope that carried the Giant, Inogo Montoya, the Princess and funny little dude up the cliffs of insanity in Princess Bride. But still.

Brief background. filb was previously a friend. As I do, I would listen to filb's constant stupid problems as if they were all the end of the world. "Yes filb, I'm sorry that you're still unhappy with your 20% increase in pay at your annual review compared to my 2. Yes, you're going to make life-altering decisions. No, you're not slutty or desperate for looking up your married ex-boyfriend, who was married at the time even, to call him up and try and arrange a weekend of sex. Yes, I know. Totally shocking that he didn't meet you in Florida!!! What a scum! Never would have seen that coming! I know, that'll be awesome when you get the job and move to Oregon. That will solve ALL your problems. Wait, you're still here 3 months later because you can't commit to that kind of situation? Wow, I won't judge you at all for starting an affair at all with a married man. I mean we all have needs, right? Yes you're pretty. Yes, you're awesome! Yes, BBM doesn't pay you enough [nice raise though!], he's just generally cheap. I know. You're the greatest thing since sliced bread!" I mean that might generally be summarized version of our conversations. Or I should say how I respond to her talking, because she didn't ever really ask what was going on with me.

Anywho. So back in September our office building switched DataWatch card systems, and in order to get a new one we had to hand in our old one. Seems simple enough, right? Well she didn't have hers on the day the CFO was coming around and kept on 'forgetting.' Fast-forward to the beginning of February on a Friday afternoon. filb asks to borrow my card again, and it's kind of getting annoying as she's borrowing it every few days at this point and then sometimes forgetting to give it back to me. She's getting a ride home with my direct supervisor, who has turned into a serious dickhead, so I'm going to call him tiny dick. So i asked if she could ask tiny dick to borrow his and she's all, alright.

I listen to music going home and so never hear my cell phone. As soon as I get home, filb calls all flustered and annoyed saying little dick didn't give her his card because he too said he might be going in over the weekend, and she's sure both of us aren't going to go in and she's screwed because she needs to do work. Never offering that she's desperate enough to actually come pick it up, and she's got so much attitude I'm like, alright, see ya, whatevs. I see afterwards I had missed a call. Just to be fair to her side. I figure she'll be annoyed.

Come Monday, I realize she's ignoring me. Not talking to me at all. Even though we work together and our cubes are together. I thought she might do this as she's said it's one of her non-confrontational tactics. Because she's fucking five.

I was a little annoyed by this. It was when I found out she was bitching to another co-worker about me. And that I was really loud and constantly talking on the phone. I'm not. When I had my office I conducted more personal phone calls, but I keep them to a bare minimum now. So this makes me livid. Even more so when I realize she's been bitching about me to EVERYONE including little dick and the CFO because she constantly needs attention and reinforcement. This THIS is what makes me angry. Especially since little dick's attitude changes towards me in an aggressive manner. And it makes me look like a dick and doing things I'm not, and is unprofessional on so many levels that I can't even explain. That coupled with when I realized how stupid it was when we would walk down the hall and she wouldn't acknowledge me, but put her head down. Like, wow.

Maybe if you know, I had been spreading rumours about her. Kicked her puppy. Cut her. Something really awful. I just didn't lend her my card. And she was in turn putting my job in peril, and essentially making things extraordinarily more uncomfortable at work. Like when the dude who I used to have a crush on comes to talk to me about American Idol, I know, I ashamed of me, he'll always look over the cubicle thingy to see if she's there so we aren't being too loud. Another chick we work with, doesn't stop by to say hi anymore. What a fucking cow filb is. Can't stand her.

So yeah. At the end of last week and over the weekend things were awful. Because I do work in the hell of a cube, I constantly see her walk by, and I would think thoughts of tripping her, kicking her. you know, things that made me want to kill her. I think it kind of peaked on Sunday and I still dislike her, and I am never, ever, going to forgive her. But I am not physically shaking in anger and hatred. It feels good.

I still think, die filb, die. But no more fantasies. Phew.

I am angry that she made me doubt my mental sanity though.

Bitch.

ann coulter needs to die a slow death.

Granted I've been seemingly releasing violent tendencies lately - not a good sign - and Ann Coulter always always always will say something completely ignorant and hateful, but it absolutely ridiculous that she gets away with it.

I was going to write about how much more I respect Arcade Fire for rebuffing Paul Haggis, but that will be a later time, because I am absolutely flummoxed at the spiteful words Ann Coulter passes as worthy of being listened to.

Why? Why? WHY!?? The woman breeds hate, and I think the only reason she is able to get away with it is that she's a somewhat attractive individual. Though she truly does seem to have an adam's apple. In the same way that I work with an older gay man, who is sweet but a tidge bonkers, who will say completely inappropriate shit for the workplace, but thinks he can get away with it because he's gay. Which is not okay. I think people see and listen to Ann and are all, "Oh it's just that pretty, slightly crazy lady. She's young and harmless." To which I say, don't fucking kid yourself.

I have no fucking words about her behavior today, or perhaps I should say officially yesterday.

Read about it here...(on a lighter side note, I love reading this site and visit on a regular basis - plus the blogger is super cute).

I truly wouldn't be surprised if she's the devil in a human form.

wow. blogger is too hip for me now.

I feel like one of those stereotypical grannies, or you know, grandpas I guess, that everyone said were all, "I don't know what to do with this contraption. What do you do with it son? What in the world is this thing called internet? You what? Free porn?" There are so many functions available now with blogger that I don't even know what to do with myself. Label this post? Uh, Mr. Blogger, I think that would assume there is a rhyme or reason to this post. I mean. Hello. I don't fucking think so. Sweet jesus I've turned into a cranky 80-year old somehow.

Granted this could have to do with life circumstances.

One of my cube mates innocently asked me today if post-graduate life was all it was made out to be. "Uh, I don't think so." Unless you mean abyss of despair and frustration. No, it's not greener, happier, stress free pastures that you think it's going to be. Unless of course I had made the time to line up a job for right after graduation.

Ahhh, those days of being really excited about embarking on the job hunt where everything was possible, and yes siree it was going to be exciting looking for these job opportunities that I would finally, finally love.

Instead I now find myself in the pit of despair and dating my faux-vo and iPod. More so the faux-vo, though I in no way want to contemplate losing my iPod. I don't think I have the emotional capacity now right now to lose the pod.

What it wouldn't be nice to be that naive and energetic again. Granted that was only two months ago, but still. The sweet days of applying to jobs that I thought sounded interesting. I was going to the damn the man and NOT apply for jobs I thought would be selling out.

Yeah. Those days are gone.

What is most frustrating is that I think I have applied for every job out there, and it seems that my resume and cover letter is just going out there and...nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Even those soul-sucking jobs. It is as if my current employers have black balled me and I don't even know about.

I was excited today because I receive a response to a job I applied for - one I'm not even interested in, and that has only a little to do with communications - and the email response was essentially all, "We're in the early stages, and it's a group decision, and you'd actually be perfect for our communications team, but we don't have any open positions. Keep checking!" I was comforted by this platitude, because some lackey said they thought I'd be perfect for their communications team! This search is so soul-sucking, because I now think I'm only qualified for entry-level positions. Despite the fact that I would think almost 5 years of work, coupled with a Master's would be mid-level. Who. The. Fuck. Knows.

What is so terribly embarrassing is the more I escape to my TV from dealing with my sucky sucky SUCKY job, is that I watch even crappier, mindless television shows. Granted that shit is like rock candy normally - often totally fun and easy to enjoy, but you don't really gain anything from it in any way whatsoever. It's there, and a short period later it's not and there is no discernible difference. Unfortunately, these shows are now my staple diet. So that means I have sold my soul to shows like fucking "American Idol" and other shows I'm too embarassed to mentioncsimiamistillstandingtheclassgoldengirlsrebafrasierltheviewivingsingleI mean I really have no soul left. So the shows that I'm obsessed with and are totally worth my attention are just sitting in my tivo. I love love love "Friday Night Lights." The quality is up to par of a movie every week, but you need to pay attention. You need to become emotionally involved and that's just not happening after work right now. I'm terribly sorry. I know I'll make it back to you FNL!!! You deserve it! Another show I'm obsessed with, but is a little soapier and so I'm able to watch it in bursts is "Brothers & Sisters." I'm almost a little embarrassed to say it, especially since Calista Flockhart grates like no other; but as each episode ends I wish it wouldn't.

As I'm on the TV path, I guess it's time to announce something truly shocking. Brace yourself.

In order to cut down on the cable bill I canceled my Showtime subscription. This means I haven't watched any of the episodes of the L word this season, nor do I have any fucking idea of what is going on. I know.

I know!!

It's like it isn't even me. Though it is a little sad as I have heard that it is finally funnier again and there is less annoying Jenny Schechter and other annoying characters. Granted I'll believe that when I see it, but I can't, so I guess I never will. Too bad.

It is a whole new Karen. Albeit I'm not sure if it's necessarily an improved Karen. Just a different one. Hopefully not one that is phoning it in to life. I believe the verdict is still out.

We'll just have to wait...